I am still trying to get Lenard to save his money for more important things for himself.I don't knwo what it is about him but I can't let him go even when I say I want to I can't.Everytime I try and ignore him and "be mad" and be the one to wait for his call I end up calling him... bad, huh? lolI know I am so whipped lol.All I know is there is a whole lot I have planned for my self. So many things I want to do.I still want to go to Japan,Austrailia,Guam, and so many other places...I still want togo to so many schools, make money to help myself do all I need and want.I swear to you guys I am going to do at least half of the thing I want if not all before I DIE!
Someone asked me..."How would you like to be remembered if you were to die,How would you picture it to be?"
When a lot of us thinks of us dying they almost always think of them dying old and wrinkled and with thier life completed.Must I remind us all we are never guaranteed the next day.So many young people die before they become "wrinkled and old"I try my hardest to leave my day's end at at least a good note on mind.
I find most funerals a bitter sweet moment of life's end and beginning. When it is so hard to say good bye then again it is also a time when many think back on all the times and memories worth smiling about.I would like that kept in mind. I dont... nobody really likes to think of the time when they die.But my wish if I was to ever have my next day not guaranteed to me.. is to have at least my loves to be united. My Lenard and my family finally putting things to the side and not fussing or being intimidated or anything.I would want ALL of my family to be there so they can have all family grudgees to be reunited and resolved.If my life is to become resolved at that time I would want many of my life's loves to be at a sort of resolve as well.
I amnot saying this to say "OH I feel like not living and THIS is a hint to show I am going to end it all soon" Come on people I am not going to do that now! I am at a more stable state than that! I am actually at a satisfied moment of life so far.I am gettin most of my things set together and it only takes time to fix the rest. I hope to GO I graduate PLEASE! lol I will i know I can. *sigh* timefor church.... ahnahn luvs ya
January 14, 2004 10:33
I miss Virginia and Keevan and all my friends in Virginia SOOO much. I think instead of going to Daytona I might want to go to Virginia.I mean Daytona is all fun but I have been putting it off for so long now. I have to save money for so much.Since tomorrow I have no workI think I am going to go ahead and sit in front of the YELLOW PAGES and look up beauty schools' numbers for my nail liscence(more money for my future schooling)
More money for med asst or something then use that money to go to whatever college/university I want to. I still want to go to art school but I am scared I might not get anything out of it but "pretty pictures" I want to design things and use my intellect and creativity.I also want to go into computer and I also want to have my ideas of clothes out "there" not necessarily a clothes line or anything but just enough to make it on my own and be able to make cute clothes ideas for myself.(maybe a money saver?)I don't know really? I will figure it all out when I have the money to do it I guess.But I know for sure that I want enough money to decorate my house the way I want it and w/less compromises.
things I want in/w/ my house is
-a Japanese Garden in the back.(Koi Pond included-kill bill scene look-a-like)
-hanging kimono's
-an aqua room(beautiful fish tanks and tranquil water sounds)
-An indian inspired room
-my bathroom to have little tile pictures(detachable spray nozzle and mist on ceiling)
-jamaiican inspired -tropical-(sheer white curtains and fabric with bright chameleon green)
(etc..who knows)
..ahh the dream..*sighs*
and of course I am not going to allow anyone hold me down -ehem- especially at seeing how this is going to take a lil while,uhmm You know I am not going to be allowing any of you krusty lil turdy boiz slowing me down! AhAh! that's how I do it!
I mean I might be gettin my fun but I am getting my bussiness done.I am taking care of home(me).*sigh* I am having alot of thoughts of giving myself time to really have my own fun and all of course but you knwo I have learned at least something important thing during my little adventure.I know how hard it is on your own and I am not making the same mistake to go out there and depending on someone else forever.
I have so much on my mind and I just wish I had the time to break it down for myself and stop being so indecisive.Like how indecisive I am bout what to do about after highschool education, instead of choosing one why not all.Hell, like my boi said I'm a brat sometimes and must have what I want,right? Syre have what you want but you bbetter deserve and scratch yourself for it! Go get em Gurl! yessSssah!
lub always
Ahn-Ahn
january-08-04
Well today in my math class this girl just kept talking and talking and the other two boys a couple seat away kept talking about "yeah I use to smoke ciggarettes but now i get drug test so I can't?"wtf if wrong witht hese people one is tryin to be the tough but cute one the rest think they are thugs and shit and the other damn they just irritating.Kiddies what you are doing lying and shit to get them to think you are acting older than you are isn't cute! YOU ARE NOT A THUG AND YOU DON"T LIVE IN THE GHETTO!!damn! talking about ppl don't know YOUR hard life living in the hood? WTF your in jacksonville,FLORIDA! It just irritated the hell out of me. If I ever blow up on anyone for this excuse me and my bitchy ways.I have been abit sensitive about that "i THINK I am a thug living the street life"thing lately.*rolls eyes*Anyways don't try to say you have experienced something when you have yet to even begin preparing yourslef for something you are in no way ready to even begin tapping into.But who am I to judge,right?I am just getting annoyed at it all
.....ahnahn
Saturday,jan 03, 2004 11:29
Today was Clay's funeral. We came a little bit late. I am kind of glad we didn't see him. Really,I can not stand to see those I knew and cared for like that. They said it didn't look like him either, that they had some how "glued" his eyes and mouth shut. I feel guilty about not seeing him ,too. After his funeral I got a ride with Maria and her boi (ate' M & kuya bean)to thier housefor catering. We didn't go bury him like I am use to doing after a funeral(they are going to cremate him). I still can not believe he is gone.I don't know how Tony,his twin is taking it but it seems like he is holding in a lot of things in. I mean it is his twin bro and Clay got shot in the back in front of him, you know. Hell,I would be torn up. Or maybe, he just feels like he is okay with it now. His mom said she talked to clay last ngiht and that he visited.So sad to hear them talk about himin past tense. Damn,it is so fucked up how all this could of been avoided.So sad.So many people have payed thier respect in so many ways. His xanga, visiting, pouring liquor out, leaving food or drinks out for him, talking to him for comfort are mostly the ways common know to saying "goodbye."I know we will be like one big ass happy family again when we see him,again in heaven.Keep lookin out for us Clay!
AHNAHN
((you can see more about this at my contacts under my,clay's and tony's xangas listed in my contacts.))
I am not sure if it was just me or not, but I didn't feel like it was Christmas. I guess I am use to Christmas in Virginia, cold and everyone either does look like eskimos or a big bundle of clothes you can't tell who is underneath it all.I am use to slipping on ice on the pavement at least once a year. I am use to spending it in Virginia. I miss Virginia around this time of the year the most. Last years Christmas break wasn't all eggnog and mistletoes though.It was a pain in the ass and then some.It was a Christmas where I have never been so embarrassed in my wholelife.It wasn't funnie just humiliating enough to cry with a justified purpose.I was pissed!But I won't really go into detail about all that you and I both know I don't need to. Let's just say...ospitality doesn't run well when they feel like someone's "little girl needs protecting" Thing is I didn't need the protection so they needed to back off before I ...grrrrr... nevermind.This Christmas wasn't spent so much with my baby this year but I had fun all the same.I got in trouble and on restriction at the same time in a long time too.Two weeks damnit! I need to get back at my better life. To be real, though I need to just lay low until I get all my things straight. Like...car (including all the things so i can f***ing drive legally) I have a job now but that is really to just hold me over until I get transportaion of my very own.I don't know what to do after high school yet.I am going to give it some time for myself to catch up first.Maybe go to some "basic" classes at community first. Then decide "what next?"Soon as I am eighteen though I am definitly making more serious plans to move out, again. Some friends said I could move in with them and I am always welcomed to as long as I clean and do basic "house girl" thigns GRrrrrRR.Oh well free rent ,YeahhH!*claps hands* Truthfully, I dont think Lenard would approve much because they are guys and all but he isn't the one to make a choice and not the one who has to bare with it all until I can truly help myself. I lvoe him but I need to do something for my good and i can't get help from him in certaint ways so I help myself.Boys and girls despite how dependant I look to be on Len. I may be hooked but Iam not dependant on him.One thing I promised myself is to not be like (someone I know) and depend on a guy all the time I may need help sometimes but I am going to pick my self up! I am going to be my own person and not just"blank's" girl.Some might know what I mean other people might think I am stupid and don't know what I am doing but it is the truth. I don' tknow what I am doing I am just trying is all I know. There is so much I want to do and I love that man but if any man gets in my way or hold me down when I DO find that soemthing I want to do then hell is at my touch to give.I will lay that mess on them and keep moving. I may be little but I have things and dreams to fullfill.I may not know wich one to tackle at first and seem a bit undecided but trust when time comes I will have my handle on it all. Or so I think. Wish me luck , guys! I KNOW I will become something great at least in my eyes. My little brother said something to me some days ago. That I don't have to follow do what everyone else wants me or thinks I should do anymore.I don't have to listen to them anymore. When I asked him what could he truly picture me doing He listed some pretty amazing stuff. It almost brought me to tears knowing my big head brother has grown up so intellegent and sentimental and handsome. My young padawan learned much has he (yoda grunt.) lol.There are many people Not making it easier for me. That keep bringing up the past and thier problems to hurt me and I may cry at time but it isn't forever. I at times like to kep Keevan's words at mind.
